TOP 9 WORST MOVIES OF 2023

9. RENFIELD

With this and last year’s Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, I sense that Nic Cage is embracing the ironic stardom he has inflicted on his career for the wrong reasons. All these movies, as they are of the same cloth, seem to exist purely for Cage fandom/cultist interests and not much beneath. Their scripts are stale, and razor thin and I’ll develop some of its genuinely interesting concepts. However, you cannot even enjoy the Cage's antics as his role is restricted to guest appearances sprinkled throughout the plot. When he does appear, he is actually great - it’s a role he’s been dying to play for years and he can provide his usual mayhem with a flare of decency required for the Dracula aesthetic (he’s certainly no Bela Lugosi but for what could have been a parody performance turned out better than excepted).

8. SCREAM VI

Whereas Scream 2 underwhelmed me, this frustrated me. The flavour has gone, I don’t care anymore. All these movies are essentially the same - murders, suspects, nonsensical skirmishes and finally an exposition dump from the revealed bad guy. And every villain sounds the same! How many serial killers do you know of that sound and act the same as if a mirror image??!!

7. THE MARVELS

This placement isn’t from pure animosity as it is apathy. From beginning to end, inside and out, this is proof that not just Marvel, but superhero content under the pressure of corporations is saturated and lifeless and has lost its fire. 

6. WINNIE THE POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY

Not as low as it could have been as I like the prologue - a creepy hand-drawn animation setting the scene. The music is great, to the point where I wouldn’t mind having it on my phone. It’s just that immediately after that prologue we are introduced to Christopher Robin and the dialogue spewing from their mouths is some of the most unnatural exposition you could fathom. The honey loses its sweetness even further when we get introduced to our actual protagonists, a group of girls who were clearly found on the street and had spent their school days skiving off drama classes at all costs. The graphic deaths lack awe as they come across as gore porn and horror turns to comedy with some pathetically fake CGI. 



5. NAPOLEON

My love for Napoleon, the era he dominated and the achievements he made is almost unrivalled by

any other historical figure, no matter how complex and flawed he is. So imagine how truly underwhelmed and disappointed I was when I witnessed Ridley Scott at his most disengaging and leaving me utterly indifferent. It’s made me very sceptical over Scott’s work in the future as I think the old boy is losing his touch despite still being active at the age he is.

4. GREATEST DAY

Oh god was this cheesy! So cheesy that my mother and I fled before another song section could appear. Generic British film story beats; awful renditions of Take That songs; a band that isn’t even Take That, they’re a group of boys made to look like they’re from the 90s; and some awful teenage actors.

3. INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY

Retrieving ancient valuables of significant importance to be sold for profits. For Lucasfilm under Disney, this is a plot point and character progression. For us, it’s a metaphor for this unnecessary fifth outing that stretches out the legacy of Indiana Jones in an extremely diluted replica of Spielberg’s own valuable artefact, evident from his absence and the troubled production behind the camera. 

2. PETER PAN AND WENDY

Dull and shallow on the outside and even uglier on the inside as this lazy retelling (that cannot be bothered to even use a new soundtrack) attempts to compensate for this dullness for a 'modern take' that discredits Peter Pan and promotes Wendy to a now long line of stoic, all-perfect female characters.

1. ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA 

No movie of 2023 angered me more than this tumour of cinema. Its sole purpose was to entice audiences for the future by emphasising the weight of its new big bad and they failed miserably with the same pathetic, joke-reliant screenplays that sits stubbornly in their safe zones with no risks taken or subsequent lasting consequences after they are done. And most of these are directly connected to the overarching plot concerned with the Multiverse concept. How a franchise that once had me coming back for more after tethering twenty films together for ten years has fallen to a parody of itself with still no clear sense of direction and connectivity in sight?! Whatever the case, I am done! I should have been last year, but I won’t be so naïve anymore. I’ll happily transition to James Gunn’s (who gave us the last outcry of joy in Guardians 3)in anticipation for their future releases. As for Marvel, this made me determine it really is goodbye yellow brick road!